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30 Hilarious One-Liners That Will Have You Hurting With Laughter

September 16, 2016

It’s finally Friday!

After a week of work there’s only a few hours between you and a weekend filled with you-time. So to help you get through those last hours that seem to stretch on forever, why not indulge in some pre-weekend humour. Compiled here are some of the funniest, most clever one-liners from some of the greatest comedians who ever stood in front of an audience. There’s comedy legends like George Carlin, Bob Newhart and, of course, the king of the punchline, Rodney Dangerfield. You may even find someone you’ve never heard of before. So read on and try not to bust a gut!

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, but taller.” – Steven Wright

“My dad used to say ‘Always fight fire with fire’ which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade.” – Peter Kay

“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.” – Steven Wright

“My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.” – Les Dawson

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” – Jimmy Carr

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’”. – Bob Newhart

“I saw a show ’50 Things to do Before You Die’. I would have thought the obvious one would be ‘Shout for help'” – Jimmy Carr

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time.” – Maria Bamford

“My staff asked me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the laughter. They said, “That’s never happened before.” – Bob Hope

“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey

“There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and liars.” – Louis CK

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.” – Robin Williams

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.” – Larry David


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